If you’re going to be a celesbian in 2016, you’ve got to have a handle on two things: the slang used primarily by the generation beneath you (26 is way too old to use “on fleek”...unless you’re lowkey famous) and your love life.
There’s nothing that people love more than theorizing, gossiping and idealizing the love lives of complete strangers that they will likely never meet (and if they do, it’s an uncomfortable ten second interaction that results in an awkward selfie). So in order to fully answer the call of celesbianism, my bae game needs to be just the strongest.
This is especially imperative in the lesbian community, where we love to just ship together every pair of women who even look at each other for a little too long, so our fervor is especially great for confirmed, famed lesbian couples. Whether fictional or actual existing people (it’s hard for me to tell sometimes - I get way too invested in my shows), there’s nothing more satisfying then gazing upon positive example of beautiful lady love, because there’s not enough of it out there (and thanks to the patriarchy, it’s often solely sexualized in media, leaving out the human heart and love that actually characterizes queer women relationships).
Fortunately, there have been more and more queer couples for us lady loving ladies to look up to, and it’s so poignantly affirming to know that they exist in a cloud of perfection, providing a vision of what a relationship between women can be. Let’s take a brief moment to appreciate some of the celesbians who have paved the way before us:
Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli
Cara Delevinge and St. Vincent
And for throwback thursday: Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson
As previously established, “celesbianism = influence” for me. I want to be able to be a role model of queer. Something that would’ve helped validate my identity as a tragically in-denial youngin’ growing up is seeing more examples of thriving, wonderful lesbian relationships. Just more examples that would’ve assured me that it was okay to be with a woman, to even just to let me know that such a thing could exist, would’ve been invaluable to me as a teenager, growing up in a conservative, Southern town.
So naturally, in order to be the best role model and queer woman advocate I can be...I need to be bae’d up. It’s a great sacrifice, but I’ll take one for the cause. You’re welcome.
Just one issue - I’m single. In order to remedy that, though, I’ve decided to compile a list of five potential baes. I’d gladly court, romance, get into petty arguments, and be dragged around on boring, endless shopping trips with any of these women below. Putting this shit out into the universe, then waiting patiently for one of the women below to show up at my doorstep, because that’s how that works, right?
Yeah, I think so.
So I now present to you: Bae Watch
1. Keke Palmer
Keke Palmer and I had a very fun interaction at the Macy’s Thankgiving Day Parade in 2009 that involved us making eye contact, dancing and me making her crack up. Through the years, that moment has stayed with me. I think about it a lot.
I then fell totally in love with her this past year as I watched Scream Queens, so imagine my delight when she proclaimed that she didn’t want to label her sexuality and released a vaguely queer music video on top of that!
Look, Keke, we have history. We’d be a bomb ass couple of color. Lemme bae you up, girl.
2. Selena Gomez
Like most everyone on this list, Selena and I have history. And by history, I mean I met her once in 2010, told her that I respected her, name dropped the fact that I went to NYU’s film school and got the most sincere smile and “good luck!” in response. Say what you want about me, but I know how to make the most out of my ten seconds with celebrities.
Is Selena queer? Well, that’s debatable. But I’ve compiled a short presentation that brings up some good points:
You can’t be a woman attracted to features that delicate, that supple, that strikingly pretty and not be at least a little bit gay. Especially since every time I ask a lesbian if there’s a man they would be okay with sleeping with, they always answer “maybe Justin Bieber” (or “Ew, no.”)
Cara Delevingne - notoriously queer - looking like she’s posing for prom with Selena. I’ll let that speak for itself. (Also just google image search “Cara Delevinge and Selena Gomez”.)
I don’t know if everybody questions their sexuality, Selena. Just the queer ones.
Is no one gonna talk about the fact that in one of her music videos (1:43 into it), Selena ditches her responsibilities and runs off to a lesbian night club? #metaphors #readbetweenthelines #nottheplaceforhashtags
Selena, if you're really sick of that same old love, then I can give you a little somethin’ different. So how ‘bout it, bae?
3. Kendall Jenner
No, stop, don’t X out! Bear with me here!
First off, one of them has to be gay. It’s not Kris, though that haircut likes to state otherwise. It’s definitely not Kim. Khloe doesn’t ping for me, either. Kourtney looks great in a suit, but I don’t know many lesbians - no matter how closeted they may be - who would put up being in a relationship with Scott Disick. I pray to God it’s not Kylie - we’ll let the straights have that one.
And then there’s Kendall. Arguably already the anomaly of the Kardashian-Jenner bunch. There’s a slew of theories and rumors that actually didn’t originate with me (it was actually my not-gay best friend who first brought my attention to the possibility) that I won’t get into, not to mention that the only dude she’s really been linked to is Harry Styles who I regularly mistake for a woman, much to my own sexual confusion.
Then there’s her queer BFF, the aforementioned Cara Delevingne. I mean, the odds could be worse, but I’m not gonna claim anyone’s sexual identity. They gotta come out with that themselves.
Kendall is the most down-to-earth, chill one of the bunch, is hella cute, and she’s also a published author of a book I got a record-setting two pages into before I never touched it again.
Would being Kendall’s bae be worth having our relationship micromanaged by Kris, though? Probably not.
But I’d be North West’s aunt, so I’d be down if not solely for that.
4. Leighton Meester
Look, everyone has their pipe dreams, and this one is mine.
And, in the words of Nelly, “I’m not the type to break up a happy home”, but I also wouldn’t mind helping her raise her child. We’d give Adam Brody the appropriate visitation rights, don’t worry.
Plus, have you seen Life Partners, where Leighton plays just the most perfect, absolutely cutest lesbian?
I also was fortunate enough to see her perform for “The Blind Date Project” a few weeks ago, where she once against flawlessly played a lesbian, and then made all of my sapphic dreams come true by making out with a woman, mere feet away from me. And Leighton was totally into it. Like, she could definitely lowkey be a solid Kinsey 3.
At least, she definitely could be in my dreams.
Look, just consider it, Leighton. After all, you know you love me. xoxo Gossip Queer
5. Demi Lovato
Demi is a...mixed bag for sure (and I say that with the utmost respect), but she was the woman who gave me the final push I needed out of my self-imposed closet. Despite her newfound tendency to be occasionally problematic, she does do a lot great advocacy for a number of important issues, has unapologetic bold sass that I just love, and looks good in a bow tie. So I’m game.
Not to mention, I brazenly hit on her once, and not only did she reciprocate, she found my witty charm so hilarious, so #soulmates.
And oh, remember how she rocked an alternative lifestyle haircut for two years?
So, Demi - you sure you wanna be cool for just the summer? How about we be cool for all four seasons, bae?
I think with any of these women, I could have the definitive celesbian relationship. Get your hashtags ready for our future Instagram selfies, which in addition to stroking our egos will also hopefully give young, queer girls something to look up and forward to. Granted, that can certainly be accomplished without celebrity involvement, but you know, might as well aim high.
Disclaimer: I have to emphasize that I am not making conclusive claims about any of these women’s sexualities. I don’t know these women, I just read their tweets and like their selfies. This wasn’t meant to be a “I think this celebrity is gay!” post by any means. Also my blogging style likes to border on tongue-in-cheek humor, so just take all of this with a grain of salt. Actually, take it with the whole salt shaker.